I know its very long, but i think it is worth the read, quite funny imo...
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRIN TOOK
DAY ONE
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped
into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little
roll around with Frodo in corn before
was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have
word with Frodo about letting servants
get overly familiar and grabby.
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed
that he broke his carrot. After he found
one that was just the right shape, too.
DAY TWO
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming
with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet
and reeking of strawberries. Also tired
of elves mistaking me for unusually
lifelike lawn ornament.
DAY THREE
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark.
Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a
bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down
over crevasse until I admitted he was
the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did
not feel like pointing out he was only
elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very
deep.
DAY SEVEN
Has been twenty-five days since met
Aragorn and he has not yet washed his
hair. Is really starting to bother me.
DAY NINE
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very
nice man. Invited me to go for a walk
with him tonight and said he would let
me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can't wait.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of
Gondor was supposed to summon armies of
the West?
Apparently not.
V. educational, all the same.
DAY ELEVEN
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of
a relief as means Boromir cannot corner
me and complain how Aragorn is
insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit
fixation. Pot calling kettle black if
you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into
Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.
DAY THIRTEEN
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's
boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps
collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.
DAY FOURTEEN
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In
attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas
took off all his clothes and performed
scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical.
Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced
off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince
sulk.
DAY FIFTEEN
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally
walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now
understand what Gandalf meant about
there being scarier things than Orcs.
And was that Aragorn hiding under all
the bubbles? May have nightmares for
weeks.
DAY SIXTEEN
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him under all the
bubbles.
DAY TWENTY
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am
leading him on. Of course, Merry also
says I cry like a girl. Merry a total
barsteward most of the time, actually.
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel
slighted.
DAY THIRTY
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to
commit, so he went and got himself shot
by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so
oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not
very friendly types. Merry says we may
have to shag our way out of captivity.
Suspect Merry looking forward to it,
useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly.
Suddenly miss Boromir.
/4fun
Another 1, also a bit long, but is good..
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN
DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.
DAY TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
DAY THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they cant even grow decent beards.
DAY SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiance in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her.
Later:
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
DAY NINE
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about our relationship.
DAY THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his backpack. Thats right, Isildurs Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
DAY FOURTEEN
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
DAY FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus.
DAY SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up.
DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
/4fun
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRIN TOOK
DAY ONE
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped
into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little
roll around with Frodo in corn before
was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have
word with Frodo about letting servants
get overly familiar and grabby.
Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed
that he broke his carrot. After he found
one that was just the right shape, too.
DAY TWO
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming
with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet
and reeking of strawberries. Also tired
of elves mistaking me for unusually
lifelike lawn ornament.
DAY THREE
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark.
Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a
bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down
over crevasse until I admitted he was
the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did
not feel like pointing out he was only
elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very
deep.
DAY SEVEN
Has been twenty-five days since met
Aragorn and he has not yet washed his
hair. Is really starting to bother me.
DAY NINE
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very
nice man. Invited me to go for a walk
with him tonight and said he would let
me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can't wait.
Later that night
Always thought blowing the Horn of
Gondor was supposed to summon armies of
the West?
Apparently not.
V. educational, all the same.
DAY ELEVEN
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of
a relief as means Boromir cannot corner
me and complain how Aragorn is
insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit
fixation. Pot calling kettle black if
you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into
Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.
DAY THIRTEEN
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn's
boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps
collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.
Aragorn still hasn't washed his hair.
DAY FOURTEEN
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In
attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas
took off all his clothes and performed
scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical.
Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced
off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince
sulk.
DAY FIFTEEN
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally
walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now
understand what Gandalf meant about
there being scarier things than Orcs.
And was that Aragorn hiding under all
the bubbles? May have nightmares for
weeks.
DAY SIXTEEN
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.
Maybe it really was him under all the
bubbles.
DAY TWENTY
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am
leading him on. Of course, Merry also
says I cry like a girl. Merry a total
barsteward most of the time, actually.
Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel
slighted.
DAY THIRTY
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to
commit, so he went and got himself shot
by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so
oversensitive sometimes.
Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not
very friendly types. Merry says we may
have to shag our way out of captivity.
Suspect Merry looking forward to it,
useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly.
Suddenly miss Boromir.
/4fun
Another 1, also a bit long, but is good..
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI SON OF GLOIN
DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.
DAY TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
DAY THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they cant even grow decent beards.
DAY SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiance in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her.
Later:
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
DAY NINE
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about our relationship.
DAY THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his backpack. Thats right, Isildurs Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
DAY FOURTEEN
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
DAY FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus.
DAY SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up.
DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
/4fun
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