Sunday night joke thread

[Blaminator]

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Post your jokes people:

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is on the bed reading a book. The farmer says, "See honey, this is the pig I **** when you're not in the mood."

His wife looks at him and says, "Your an idiot. I think you'll find that, that's a sheep, not a pig."

The farmer replied, "You're the idiot. I think you'll find, I wasn't talking to you"


---


A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.

As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "****!" he said, and dropped her.

---

A Lepercahn walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Bartender give me a shot of whiskey"

The bartender gives him a shot of whiskey, the Lepercahn drinks it and runs to the back of the bar and spits in this huge guys face.

The Lepercahn then goes back to the bartender gets a shot of whiskey, goes back and spits in this huge ****ers face again!

now this huge guys is ****ing pissed but the leperchan again gets a shot of whiskey drinks it down and runs back over to the big guy again. this time tho the big guy grabs the Lepercahn but the neck and says: "if you spit in my face 1 more time i'll chop your dick off"
the Lepercahn laughs and says: "hehehhe Lepercahn's dont have dicks!"
so the big guy says: "well i'll chop your balls off then"
the Lepercahn laughs again and says: "hehehhe Lepercahn's dont have balls"
then the big guy says: "well wtf do you piss out of then"

the lepercahn spits in his face again



---

How many animals can you fit in a condom?


A cock and a few hares



--


An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar. The
barman looks at them, and says: "What is this? A joke?"

 

[Robert]

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over and the officer approaches the car:

State cop: License and registration please
Man: I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?
State cop: I clocked you on radar doing 75mph.
Man: There must be some mistake, I was only going 65.
Wife: Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!
State cop: I'm also citing you for having a tail light out.
Man: But officer, I wasn't aware it was out.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know its been out for two months.
State cop: I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Listen you dumb cow, shut your mouth!!!
State cop: Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: Only when he's drunk.......

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

The Beer Prayer
A prayer for beer.

Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager
Barmen

 

[Vannaroth]

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over and the officer approaches the car:

State cop: License and registration please
Man: I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?
State cop: I clocked you on radar doing 75mph.
Man: There must be some mistake, I was only going 65.
Wife: Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!
State cop: I'm also citing you for having a tail light out.
Man: But officer, I wasn't aware it was out.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know its been out for two months.
State cop: I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car.
Wife: Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Listen you dumb cow, shut your mouth!!!
State cop: Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: Only when he's drunk.......

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

The Beer Prayer
A prayer for beer.

Our lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager
Barmen

 

[XterminatoR]

lol nice jokes vann:

A man finds a lamp on the floor, he rubs it and a genie comes out and says i will give u 3 wishs but when you make that wish ur wife gets double. So the man says to the genie "I wish for a car" and his wife got 2 cars while he gets 1. After that he says "I wish for a house" and his wife got 2 while he got 1. Later that night he goes "I wish that my wife was beaten half to death" so his wife gets half beaten to death twice

 

[Far]

wld hav been funnier if u didnt actually tell us that 2 half make a whole. a jokes never funny when u tell them why its meant to b funny.

 

[XterminatoR]

ah well but here are some other jokes:

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex??
She opens the car door!

--------------------------------------

There was a blonde married to a brunette. One day at breakfast she said to her husband,"Our bedroom is dull I'm going to paint it while you're at work today." Herhusband said "No, honey that just means that I have to clean up your mess when I get home." She said "Okay."

When he got home from work the house smelled of paint so he went upstairs to his room to see what was going on. He saw his blonde wife sweating to death. He said "Honey why are you sweating to death. She replied "Did you not read the can you dummy, it says for best results use two coats." Her husband just laughed.

 

[elohelMeight]

Vannaroth / you / atomicide / steish trying to be big men on msn

 

[XterminatoR]

wot??? it that a joke ?? not funny =/

 

[elohelMeight]

you dont understand my friend. only them 4 will know what i mean

 

[Vannaroth]

No, I'm afraid we don't.

 

[XterminatoR]

No, I'm afraid we don't.

lololol rolf n1 vann

Spoiler

Clu3LeSs sucks

 

[Miles]

The BBC has recently recieved a large amount of complaints that they don't show enough black and asian people on TV.
In response to this, the BBC have decided to show CrimeWatch twice a week.

/Miles

 

[XterminatoR]

thats a good one miles is that racist btw? heres mine

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

-----------

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

 

[w00t84]

Originally posted by BoobFace
Vannaroth / you / atomicide / steish trying to be big men on msn

I don't get it... I don't have his MSN... My feet smell... I see dead people

 

[elohelMeight]

@w00t : yes you do you fool.

anyways, my joke. i didn't make this joke obviously so nobody have a go at me for it.

2 football fans walk out of a pub. A vicious dog attacks 1 of them, so the other picks up a pole and cracks the dog on the neck killing it.
A few minutes later a reporter for the local newspaper walks past. He goes to the 2 men, ''I can see tommorows headlines. Chelsea fan saves friend from vicious dog!''.. One of the men says, ''we're not chelsea fans''.
So the reporter says, ''ok, ok, i can see tommorows headlines. West ham fan saves friend from vicious dog''. The other man says, ''we're not west ham fans''.
So, the reporter says, ''Who do you support then?'' And the men reply, ''Liverpool''.
The next day, the headline reads, ''Dirty scouse ba$tard kills loving family pet''

 

[-Raz0rfang-]

you dont understand my friend. only them 4 will know what i mean

Eggsacehly

Spoiler

Exactly for all you b00bs